Wandering

so you find yourself at that eerie fork in the road, with the many signs, displaying many destinations, and you find yourself unsure of which direction to follow, not because you're lost, because you're over opinionated about the one's you do have to follow.... the meandering path opens before you.... a fresh, untraversed path that leads somewhere new and different, but best of all, in the direction you want to be going....

and so, the path has split, and i meander.... still, one question comes to mind....

Does the walker choose the path, or does the path choose the walker?

muzik

posted some new songs....

NO

3:33 a work party night YEAH!!!!

so yea i'm pretty stoned and quiet drunk loving it.... not liking that certain ppl will read this, and no it's not you Wise One.... yeah Chimera is laughing at me and my despicable typing efforts.... FUCK YOU CHIMERA!!!! ugh

Whom The Fuck Knows?

I broke up with Wise One.... Now he wants to do this complete 180 and change who he is and how he acts. I DON'T WANT THAT!!!! I keep telling him that I'm just not happy, but according to him, that's no longer a sufficient reason to break up.... ? One thing that annoys me most is that he won't admit that he's thought of breaking up with me before.... He swears to God, whom he doesn't believe in, up and down, and he even started to say his mothers grave, and I almost hit him, but stopped him instead by putting my hand in his face. I know for a fact he has, and besides, at 8:05 am Monday morning his exact words were, "I'm not happy with this, and you have to change something, or I don't know if I can keep doing this. Decide if you want this or the relationship."

He also keeps asking me to marry him.... I don't want that either, and I keep telling him this, but he won't get it. I want to be happy, and I want him to be happy, like really happy, not the delusional happy he now speaks of. Yes he says he's happy and always has been, and everything he was angry with me about is trivial, and I can do whatever I please, and he wants whatever I want.... Where is the happy for him.... and for me?

I love him, and nothing will ever change that. I spent 5 years and 9 months, today actually is/was our anniversary, with him, on and off, and he has left his mark on my life. I want him to continue to be a part of my life, but not as my boyfriend, my future. I no longer wake up and look at him and think, "I want to marry that man someday....". I haven't for some time. I haven't been happy for some time.

I know I'm right in my decision, especially with giving him the second chance he begs for, where everything would be different and he would be different, and not the man I fell in love with, but the man who changed himself as a person to make me happy. NO! That doesn't sound right to me in any way shape or form. I have no intention of continuing a relationship that continuously goes through these scenarios where I change, and he doesn't like it, and I somehow ruin my life (which I refuse to let happen this time) {go me}, and we break it off, and get back together, and everything is happy and great and rinse and repeat. HELL NO!!!! I'm not going to keep hurting him, hurting myself, and those around me.

I hate that breakups have to hurt.... I hate to see his face in such miserable agony, knowing at the same time that I am the cause. But what can I do, I want happiness for the both of us, and I know it's not with each other.

There Will Be No Title.... And This Doesn't Count As A Title....

I feel like strangling the bejesus outta somebody.... That is how I feel right now....

3:33 Rises Again....

back from tisane with chimera.... wise one scared the shit out of me when we got home lol.... ugh

Caught In The Riptide

My feelings lately have been everywhere across the sky.... basically grounded wouldn't describe a single feeling.... Well that's not 100% true, I do and have smiled quite a bit, real smiles that is. I am so out of my body and mind lately that I just put myself on autopilot and observe everything from the outside. I may live with Chaos and Chimera, but lately I couldn't feel any further away from them. Working has not helped in any way for any of us. What makes it what it is, is everything else out of work. Chaos is so beautifully in love and it's a wonderful thing. I'm so happy for her and Pygmalion, but I need to be with them too, at least more often than I'm getting now; I need to take at least another day of the week off....

Chimera is in a new relationship with Momus, and I really couldn't be happier for him, but that would be a lie. He just got back from vacation, so I obviously wasn't able to see him this past week, and that certainly contributes to my feelings of separation, but it is just a small factor. Chimera and I saw each other, in person, for less than 3 hours the entire week before he left; and if you take Eagle Eye out of that, and yeah.... ya get it. I used to see him for hours at the end of my days. I said I needed and wanted change, and I did say that I don't think it's the change I want.... I hate knowing too damn much.

Momus and I need to stop bumping heads as well.... I will most likely eventually smack the living faggot out of him. He alleviates most of his possible smack downs by apologizing, but it's beginning to get old. Don't be a snide prick, and you wouldn't have to apologize continuously. What's irking me most about it is the fact that I don't know where it stems from. Is it because I led him on when he and I first met, because I'm another 'gay' in the vicinity, because he feels threatened by what I mean to Chimera, because I won't put up with his cuntiness (which is okay most of the time, I usually enjoy that about people, but they normally don't direct it at me), because I'm me? I mean really, what the fuck is it? I know that there's some aggravation when it come to the subject of Chimera and I. Momus said one day before anything was happening between them that he "knew [Chimera's] in love with [me]; you'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to notice. He worships you."

A part of me is glad that Chimera has moved on, but I didn't like being cut out. Not one bit. Even after everything went down with him, Wise One, and me, I didn't cut him out of my life. I couldn't, he meant more than that, to me. I'm not trying to say that he completely ignores me, it's just that I don't feel like I'm a part of the day to day happenings.... I try to rationalize why he's doing it; like does it makes it easier for him to move on, is it too hard for him to talk to me about his relationship with me for whatever reason, .... .... .... I don't know. He did tell me on the phone one night, while he was away, that he'd drive me down to Jersey for a weekend, so I could visit my mothers grave mainly. I have been thinking of her so much more often, and dreaming of her as well. I think this is going to be the time when it really hits me that my mother is dead and I never get the chance to say everything that I wanted to say to her and show to her and make her know and feel. I know that I'll be okay with Chimera there, but I know he won't be able to hold me together the way Chaos will/can (possibilities suck). I dunno, we'll see how everything plays out between now and the next time I write.

Giving You Someone To Talk To

I'm beginning to feel the veil of whatever-the-fuck lift off of me and my world.... but I don't know if it is really happening or I'm just hoping for it so much, that I'm just imagining it. Either way, it's a relief in it's own way. Ehh.... Anyway....

Chaos and Pygmalion just left for work.... They're just so fucking cute together, it makes me smile just seeing them. Chimera is at work still as well, but will be leaving soon. Wise One's at work until 6. I hope that VERY soon I can say, "I'm at work til (fill in blank)." Being able to contribute toward anything would make me much happier.

I've been noticing that I've been feeling much more exhausted earlier at night than I usually have in the past. Maybe my mind and body know that the prospects on the horizon require me to be more rested in the morning. I'm truly fed up with insomnia, and hearing Wise One bitch that I don't go to bed with him at night. I would love to go to bed with him at night at an appropriate time; I love the feeling of somebody right there next to me, hearing their breathing, touching in some way, even if it's just like a toe on the others foot (ugh feet). That combination makes me think sleep, but everything about that combo, TV, early fuckin west end birds, the slant of our apartment, unfamiliarity with our apartment, late night hunger, and ALL of the thoughts I have ravaging my mind mass together to make slipping into a restful sleep impossible. I want to try to appease Wise One, but having never been an insomniac, he just doesn't understand why I have such a difficult time with it. I could do what I used to do, which was go to bed with him, wait until he was out, get out of bed, go rub one out, play video games, read, smoke, maybe rub another one out, and then make my way back to bed. He never knew my skedaddling (actually a word in the dictionary lol) out of bed then. I think another part of it is that since Chaos now has Pygmalion, she doesn't have the time/ability at night to be with Chimera if he needed her. (that's not to say that she wouldn't drop everything to be there with him if he needed it, that's a 'duh') I know that he isn't settled in here. I worry about him. Especially late at night. Being an insomniac, I know of ALL the things you think and ponder on, sometimes dwell, and the craziness that can envelope your mind when you're alone at night. Until he's more settled, the idea of him being on his own at night worries me.

Hmmmm.... What else?

I have to make time to see Eris. She wants me to go back to Putnam with her and stay for just one night. We miss each other. In high school, we had the same friends, but we weren't very close until that high school friend drama popularity latching on started to occur in our circle of friends. After that, she became my passenger seat partner. We knew that we were best friends, but of course for drama purposes, we made it seem as if we just hung out and our other friends were our best friends. I didn't realize that we did that until just now btw.... looking back on all of our actions. We laughed about everything. We planned on doing this that and the other thing together. We became inseparable for a period of time. Eris is one of the VERY few ppl who knows most of the truths and thoughts of my mind. I really can't hide anything from her. She sees it on me, not always on my face though.... she can see it in my movements, tone of my voice, the way I breathe.... and I get that "what's with you?" face. .... .... .... .... I need to go see her while my Chaos is away at band camp, but I worry about Chimera, and don't want Wise One to bitch. But I need to vent all of this muck in my head out to her, Chaos and Chimera have heard it all before, and I know they don't need to hear it again. Ugh.... We'll see.

I miss Chaos and Chimera right now. I hate the feeling of the the tether that holds us together being stretched so thin. It makes me think of/feel like that piece of thread that you see sticking out the hem of your shirt, you know the one you decide to pull, and just like that, it begins to make the hem unravel. I feel like I unravel a bit each time, and it's such an unnerving feeling. It makes me itch. I'm so very glad that I have this kind of bond though. I require these ppl in my life. The only thing that gets to me is Wise One's jealousy. He's only recently expressed this to me, but I've know for months. It does make me feel bad, because I know that in some ways he has good reason to be jealous, but on the other hand, if he were to put the effort forward to bond with us, he wouldn't have to feel that way, to the extent that he does. (Yeah, you noticed that.... 'extent that he does' I know that either way, there would still be a splash of jealousy) I need to work on that in some way; any suggestions ppl?

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping....

The name game

She asked for rainbows.
Never got them; we made them.
My shoulder, Eris.


He's new to our world.
He's carved out a perfect nook.
He's Pygmalion.

Was I the only one to fall?

Tell me.... why am i so in my head lately. Chaos and Chimera, and Wise One, have no fathomable thought (if that's even a correct statement) on the going ons and inner workings of me at this point and time.... I know that soon Chaos and i might have a little sit down time just so i can pour out.... I know i could do the same with Chimera, but he and i, Chaos too, know that wouldn't be what's best for me.... Maybe I can try talking with Eris, my high school best friend.... Chaos knows me now, Eris knew me then, and still. I know that my current issues, well some, are just some of the old stagnant one's that i have already dealt with, but have forgotten how to re-conquer. Honestly.... i'm fed up with battles within myself.... i've had too much self discovery and analysis in this short blip of my life.... i know who i am in and out.... i know what an awful and cruel person i am, and what a generous and loving person i am, and the tendencies and neuroses, habits and pet peeves.... but i also know and acknowledge all of the changes that have occurred to and with in myself, and all the new one's on their way.... AND the ones happening right now. I know my Chaos and Chimera will read this eventually, and all that I want from them at the end of me writing this, and them reading it, is a hug; just one of those hugs that tells you, "I'm right here, i always will be; it will all turn out right, it always does; you will be happy, real happy." I know you both have that hug.

Anyway, I have to go Wise One's bitching.... We're in the Apple store and he wants something he can't have and is annoyed cause i'm contently blogging away.... yay public bloggin lol.... but i'm off, til next time ;)

Long time since 3:33

It's been a while since i 3:33ed lol.... A lot has been going on, in many different ways. I haven't had time to introduce Pygmalion.... i'll get to it. Chaos has never been happier, and that makes me happy. Chimera is Chimera. Chaos and I keep yelling at him to go see his doctor.... he hasn't yet. Devoid of words at times.... I think too much, and sometimes not enough at all. I really need to get out of my head, but i dunno.... mmmmm bone crack.... Anyway, i'm off....

Patience Is For Stupid People

You ever have one of those days where you wake up, and it feels like any normal day. The same things are going on that would normally. But. In the back of your head, there's that little dude screaming his head off, which you only hear as the faintest whisper. He's tellin ya something is just wrong, that it's not right, it's not the same, turn away from it all, and head the other way. But the familiarity is there.... you 'know' this, it's typical, it's your 'routine.' How do you escape it? How do you change it, or fix it, or whatever, without disrupting everything else? Is it possible? Or does the idea just get stuck in the limbo that is the recesses of your mind? Or do you risk pulling out the wrong Jenga block only to watch your loss come crashing down around you?
For me, I begin to wonder if it is just any normal day, or is this day different from all of the rest.... I know I want the difference, disturbance, effect, whatever you wanna call it. Am I ready for what I want, or am I trying to push against a force that is so much more than me. I know I have the power to make things change, but why do I always have to be the one, or a part of the group of persons who, start the change, trend, beat, path.... I see people who have the ability/opportunity to have changes happen all around them, and they don't have to lift a finger. I don't want to be that person, god no, I just want the same opportunity. Alas.... it's on it's way, I know, but patience is not a virtue in this case.... Patience is for stupid people.

Things would happen, but not to me

hmmm.... ugh....

3:33 Goth Night

Chaos is cold has a migraine and is complaining about the cold.... she is right, it is cold, her fault though.... she opened the windows. Making jokes about new boy hehe.... funny.... cough cough.... lol  Chimera is listening to her, commenting about me blogging, whatever.  Her headache is back.... I'm drunk still, can't type anymore without spellcheck.... I'm done.... Damn chinchillas ugh 

3:33 Anger

Let me just say that Wise One's looking to get cut....  I understand sometimes, he is just trying to help, so he'll offer his perspective.... Other times, he's being a snide little fuck who deserves a good bitch slap....  I get to go to bed angry.... Thanks Wise One!

Other than that, I am missing Chimera and Chaos terribly.  It's a weird day when I don't get to see either of them.

Oh it's thundering! I LOVE IT!!!

Floodgate Doors

So now I'm sitting here, at Wise One's parent's house, him on the couch opposite me, laundry swishing around in the washer machine, my hunger unfulfilled and (now) dissipating. I have no clue what kind of mood I'm in at all. I know that a part of me is frustrated, about what exactly, I'm unsure. I feel change coming, and knowing that has left this blanket of unsettlement draped over my skin. I don't like it. I want to shuck it off, but don't know how, or if I really want to. The change's that I feel, are just peeking around the corner and excite me, as well. I want them. More than that; I need them. Maybe the change is Chaos finally living in our home. And shortly after, I'll have the comfort of Chimera there also.

The one thing I do want to change, is my employment situation. Correction; unemployment situation. I'm going insane. Day after day after day after day.... Wise One thinks that I enjoy this, the time off to sit and do nothing. If after 5 and a half fucking years he doesn't realize that he's dead wrong, and that I feel like shooting myself in the eye at the end of each day just to say I accomplished something, then he never will. Idiot! Yes I hope you read this.... Continuing....

Last night Chaos, Chimera, and I went to see our friend play at a nice restaurant in Glastonbury. Once we were there, we realized we didn't think of what we'd be doing once we got there. For a short period of time we sat, near the fireplace, with our thumbs up our asses. Eventually Chaos and Chimera decided to have a cocktail. I wanted to disappear, again. They are constantly good to me, and will buy a drink for me as well if they can. I hoped that they wouldn't again, and they didn't, much to my relief. I started thinking of how I couldn't even buy my own drink, or dinner for that matter. I began dwelling on it inside my head. I made it unbearable for myself for a moment, and I felt the tears being to build up. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried in the stall. I'm not going to lie, a part of me hoped that one of them would've realized, and followed me into the bathroom. I needed to cry to somebody, I haven't cried for the sake of crying and letting my emotions out in a while. I feel it building, even now as I'm sitting across from Wise One, knowing he wouldn't notice the difference between allergy sniffles and on the verge of a breakdown sniffling. I just want to cry, so badly, and not because of a movie, and most of all, not alone. Or maybe I do want to cry alone, so I can really just yell and sob and punch things and let lots of snot drip down my chin, and not care about anything else. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just whining. I have to go back to doing laundry. ugh

"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

3:33

Watching Exorcism of Emily Rose with Chimera.... Went to Tisane to have fun and celebrate Derek's birthday.... I will toot my own fucking horn and just state, I looked FUCKING HOTT tonight.... I am in a funny mood as well.... I really can't explain it, nor do I have any words.  I am unsure; but of that, I am sure, I do not like the feeling.  Well let me stop being rude and continue watching the scary movie.... ugh lol  'til next time

3:33

watching paranormal state with Chaos and Chimera.... full tummies, i think Chimera is asleep now tho lol

Insomnia

What is insomnia?
According to Dictionary.com:

in⋅som⋅ni⋅a


– noun: inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

You wanna know what I think.... it's fucking bullshit! It sucks major monkey balls! I hate wanting to sleep, but being completely incapable of even getting within a glimmer of a thought of actual bona-fuckin-fied rest. I can lie in my most comfortable $3,500 bed, and stare.... at the ceiling.... for hours.... and sleep is no where in my reach. Yes, the expensive bed doesn't make me fall asleep like it used to. I fell asleep on it in the showroom though, true story, i'll post the pic sometime in the near future. I digress.... The kicker to me is, when I see the sun rising, my eyelids start to fall. WHY!?!

The torture that insomnia is, is.... I don't even have words. BUT.... I can get 0-5 hours of rest, and still be just as, if not more, chipper than that mother fucker standing across from me with a shit eating grin on his face, feeding me some bullshit like, "Good morning!" Good morning, what the fuck is a good morning? Oh wait, is that like when I wake up to my cock being sucked *(by someone really, REALLY good)? Along with a tray of fresh french pressed coffee, an orange-cranberry scone with clotted cream, and a clove to wash it all down with (of course). Even if that was my exact morning, with or without sleep, I still wouldn't feed someone some bullshit like, "Good morning!" I would enjoy my afterglow in contemplative silence, as usual. I think I digressed again, but ehh, whatever.... I gotta wait for Chimera to call me on his way into work, so I can make sure he makes it there and doesn't fall asleep.

*I feel that this should go without saying.... but I said it anyway....

Another 3:33

so i am sitting here eating banana bread smothered with butter, toasted and then slathered with melted peanut butter.... i like this

oh, and i forgot to mention the tall glass of milk that i placed in the freezer for 10 minutes before i sat to enjoy this deliciousness.... YAY!

Walking

On our way to feed the girls

Wise One and Chimera look pissed lol

Monotony

Lately in the morning, just before I wake up, I start to feel the dread of starting my day. Another monotonous day, that in many ways feels like the last day. Kinda like that awful movie Groundhog Day. I want things to change, I can't stand sitting inside accomplishing nothing. I feel sometimes like I'm only 'doing' things when I'm with Chaos and Chimera. I sometimes wonder if I'm living through them, and then I think of who I am, and then realize that is not possible.... tbc

3:33

Yet again I see 3:33

Then there's three

I won't name myself....

They have made their name's for me.

I'll call myself, I.

She's a part of me.

She knows I'm forever hers.

She is, my Chaos.

All of his noises,

And many faces he wears....

Chimera.  He's mine.