Caught In The Riptide

My feelings lately have been everywhere across the sky.... basically grounded wouldn't describe a single feeling.... Well that's not 100% true, I do and have smiled quite a bit, real smiles that is. I am so out of my body and mind lately that I just put myself on autopilot and observe everything from the outside. I may live with Chaos and Chimera, but lately I couldn't feel any further away from them. Working has not helped in any way for any of us. What makes it what it is, is everything else out of work. Chaos is so beautifully in love and it's a wonderful thing. I'm so happy for her and Pygmalion, but I need to be with them too, at least more often than I'm getting now; I need to take at least another day of the week off....

Chimera is in a new relationship with Momus, and I really couldn't be happier for him, but that would be a lie. He just got back from vacation, so I obviously wasn't able to see him this past week, and that certainly contributes to my feelings of separation, but it is just a small factor. Chimera and I saw each other, in person, for less than 3 hours the entire week before he left; and if you take Eagle Eye out of that, and yeah.... ya get it. I used to see him for hours at the end of my days. I said I needed and wanted change, and I did say that I don't think it's the change I want.... I hate knowing too damn much.

Momus and I need to stop bumping heads as well.... I will most likely eventually smack the living faggot out of him. He alleviates most of his possible smack downs by apologizing, but it's beginning to get old. Don't be a snide prick, and you wouldn't have to apologize continuously. What's irking me most about it is the fact that I don't know where it stems from. Is it because I led him on when he and I first met, because I'm another 'gay' in the vicinity, because he feels threatened by what I mean to Chimera, because I won't put up with his cuntiness (which is okay most of the time, I usually enjoy that about people, but they normally don't direct it at me), because I'm me? I mean really, what the fuck is it? I know that there's some aggravation when it come to the subject of Chimera and I. Momus said one day before anything was happening between them that he "knew [Chimera's] in love with [me]; you'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to notice. He worships you."

A part of me is glad that Chimera has moved on, but I didn't like being cut out. Not one bit. Even after everything went down with him, Wise One, and me, I didn't cut him out of my life. I couldn't, he meant more than that, to me. I'm not trying to say that he completely ignores me, it's just that I don't feel like I'm a part of the day to day happenings.... I try to rationalize why he's doing it; like does it makes it easier for him to move on, is it too hard for him to talk to me about his relationship with me for whatever reason, .... .... .... I don't know. He did tell me on the phone one night, while he was away, that he'd drive me down to Jersey for a weekend, so I could visit my mothers grave mainly. I have been thinking of her so much more often, and dreaming of her as well. I think this is going to be the time when it really hits me that my mother is dead and I never get the chance to say everything that I wanted to say to her and show to her and make her know and feel. I know that I'll be okay with Chimera there, but I know he won't be able to hold me together the way Chaos will/can (possibilities suck). I dunno, we'll see how everything plays out between now and the next time I write.

Giving You Someone To Talk To

I'm beginning to feel the veil of whatever-the-fuck lift off of me and my world.... but I don't know if it is really happening or I'm just hoping for it so much, that I'm just imagining it. Either way, it's a relief in it's own way. Ehh.... Anyway....

Chaos and Pygmalion just left for work.... They're just so fucking cute together, it makes me smile just seeing them. Chimera is at work still as well, but will be leaving soon. Wise One's at work until 6. I hope that VERY soon I can say, "I'm at work til (fill in blank)." Being able to contribute toward anything would make me much happier.

I've been noticing that I've been feeling much more exhausted earlier at night than I usually have in the past. Maybe my mind and body know that the prospects on the horizon require me to be more rested in the morning. I'm truly fed up with insomnia, and hearing Wise One bitch that I don't go to bed with him at night. I would love to go to bed with him at night at an appropriate time; I love the feeling of somebody right there next to me, hearing their breathing, touching in some way, even if it's just like a toe on the others foot (ugh feet). That combination makes me think sleep, but everything about that combo, TV, early fuckin west end birds, the slant of our apartment, unfamiliarity with our apartment, late night hunger, and ALL of the thoughts I have ravaging my mind mass together to make slipping into a restful sleep impossible. I want to try to appease Wise One, but having never been an insomniac, he just doesn't understand why I have such a difficult time with it. I could do what I used to do, which was go to bed with him, wait until he was out, get out of bed, go rub one out, play video games, read, smoke, maybe rub another one out, and then make my way back to bed. He never knew my skedaddling (actually a word in the dictionary lol) out of bed then. I think another part of it is that since Chaos now has Pygmalion, she doesn't have the time/ability at night to be with Chimera if he needed her. (that's not to say that she wouldn't drop everything to be there with him if he needed it, that's a 'duh') I know that he isn't settled in here. I worry about him. Especially late at night. Being an insomniac, I know of ALL the things you think and ponder on, sometimes dwell, and the craziness that can envelope your mind when you're alone at night. Until he's more settled, the idea of him being on his own at night worries me.

Hmmmm.... What else?

I have to make time to see Eris. She wants me to go back to Putnam with her and stay for just one night. We miss each other. In high school, we had the same friends, but we weren't very close until that high school friend drama popularity latching on started to occur in our circle of friends. After that, she became my passenger seat partner. We knew that we were best friends, but of course for drama purposes, we made it seem as if we just hung out and our other friends were our best friends. I didn't realize that we did that until just now btw.... looking back on all of our actions. We laughed about everything. We planned on doing this that and the other thing together. We became inseparable for a period of time. Eris is one of the VERY few ppl who knows most of the truths and thoughts of my mind. I really can't hide anything from her. She sees it on me, not always on my face though.... she can see it in my movements, tone of my voice, the way I breathe.... and I get that "what's with you?" face. .... .... .... .... I need to go see her while my Chaos is away at band camp, but I worry about Chimera, and don't want Wise One to bitch. But I need to vent all of this muck in my head out to her, Chaos and Chimera have heard it all before, and I know they don't need to hear it again. Ugh.... We'll see.

I miss Chaos and Chimera right now. I hate the feeling of the the tether that holds us together being stretched so thin. It makes me think of/feel like that piece of thread that you see sticking out the hem of your shirt, you know the one you decide to pull, and just like that, it begins to make the hem unravel. I feel like I unravel a bit each time, and it's such an unnerving feeling. It makes me itch. I'm so very glad that I have this kind of bond though. I require these ppl in my life. The only thing that gets to me is Wise One's jealousy. He's only recently expressed this to me, but I've know for months. It does make me feel bad, because I know that in some ways he has good reason to be jealous, but on the other hand, if he were to put the effort forward to bond with us, he wouldn't have to feel that way, to the extent that he does. (Yeah, you noticed that.... 'extent that he does' I know that either way, there would still be a splash of jealousy) I need to work on that in some way; any suggestions ppl?

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping....

The name game

She asked for rainbows.
Never got them; we made them.
My shoulder, Eris.


He's new to our world.
He's carved out a perfect nook.
He's Pygmalion.

Long time since 3:33

It's been a while since i 3:33ed lol.... A lot has been going on, in many different ways. I haven't had time to introduce Pygmalion.... i'll get to it. Chaos has never been happier, and that makes me happy. Chimera is Chimera. Chaos and I keep yelling at him to go see his doctor.... he hasn't yet. Devoid of words at times.... I think too much, and sometimes not enough at all. I really need to get out of my head, but i dunno.... mmmmm bone crack.... Anyway, i'm off....