I broke up with Wise One.... Now he wants to do this complete 180 and change who he is and how he acts. I DON'T WANT THAT!!!! I keep telling him that I'm just not happy, but according to him, that's no longer a sufficient reason to break up.... ? One thing that annoys me most is that he won't admit that he's thought of breaking up with me before.... He swears to God, whom he doesn't believe in, up and down, and he even started to say his mothers grave, and I almost hit him, but stopped him instead by putting my hand in his face. I know for a fact he has, and besides, at 8:05 am Monday morning his exact words were, "I'm not happy with this, and you have to change something, or I don't know if I can keep doing this. Decide if you want this or the relationship."
Whom The Fuck Knows?
He also keeps asking me to marry him.... I don't want that either, and I keep telling him this, but he won't get it. I want to be happy, and I want him to be happy, like really happy, not the delusional happy he now speaks of. Yes he says he's happy and always has been, and everything he was angry with me about is trivial, and I can do whatever I please, and he wants whatever I want.... Where is the happy for him.... and for me?
I love him, and nothing will ever change that. I spent 5 years and 9 months, today actually is/was our anniversary, with him, on and off, and he has left his mark on my life. I want him to continue to be a part of my life, but not as my boyfriend, my future. I no longer wake up and look at him and think, "I want to marry that man someday....". I haven't for some time. I haven't been happy for some time.
I know I'm right in my decision, especially with giving him the second chance he begs for, where everything would be different and he would be different, and not the man I fell in love with, but the man who changed himself as a person to make me happy. NO! That doesn't sound right to me in any way shape or form. I have no intention of continuing a relationship that continuously goes through these scenarios where I change, and he doesn't like it, and I somehow ruin my life (which I refuse to let happen this time) {go me}, and we break it off, and get back together, and everything is happy and great and rinse and repeat. HELL NO!!!! I'm not going to keep hurting him, hurting myself, and those around me.
I hate that breakups have to hurt.... I hate to see his face in such miserable agony, knowing at the same time that I am the cause. But what can I do, I want happiness for the both of us, and I know it's not with each other.
There Will Be No Title.... And This Doesn't Count As A Title....
I feel like strangling the bejesus outta somebody.... That is how I feel right now....
3:33 Rises Again....
back from tisane with chimera.... wise one scared the shit out of me when we got home lol.... ugh
Caught In The Riptide
My feelings lately have been everywhere across the sky.... basically grounded wouldn't describe a single feeling.... Well that's not 100% true, I do and have smiled quite a bit, real smiles that is. I am so out of my body and mind lately that I just put myself on autopilot and observe everything from the outside. I may live with Chaos and Chimera, but lately I couldn't feel any further away from them. Working has not helped in any way for any of us. What makes it what it is, is everything else out of work. Chaos is so beautifully in love and it's a wonderful thing. I'm so happy for her and Pygmalion, but I need to be with them too, at least more often than I'm getting now; I need to take at least another day of the week off....
Chimera is in a new relationship with Momus, and I really couldn't be happier for him, but that would be a lie. He just got back from vacation, so I obviously wasn't able to see him this past week, and that certainly contributes to my feelings of separation, but it is just a small factor. Chimera and I saw each other, in person, for less than 3 hours the entire week before he left; and if you take Eagle Eye out of that, and yeah.... ya get it. I used to see him for hours at the end of my days. I said I needed and wanted change, and I did say that I don't think it's the change I want.... I hate knowing too damn much.
Momus and I need to stop bumping heads as well.... I will most likely eventually smack the living faggot out of him. He alleviates most of his possible smack downs by apologizing, but it's beginning to get old. Don't be a snide prick, and you wouldn't have to apologize continuously. What's irking me most about it is the fact that I don't know where it stems from. Is it because I led him on when he and I first met, because I'm another 'gay' in the vicinity, because he feels threatened by what I mean to Chimera, because I won't put up with his cuntiness (which is okay most of the time, I usually enjoy that about people, but they normally don't direct it at me), because I'm me? I mean really, what the fuck is it? I know that there's some aggravation when it come to the subject of Chimera and I. Momus said one day before anything was happening between them that he "knew [Chimera's] in love with [me]; you'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to notice. He worships you."
A part of me is glad that Chimera has moved on, but I didn't like being cut out. Not one bit. Even after everything went down with him, Wise One, and me, I didn't cut him out of my life. I couldn't, he meant more than that, to me. I'm not trying to say that he completely ignores me, it's just that I don't feel like I'm a part of the day to day happenings.... I try to rationalize why he's doing it; like does it makes it easier for him to move on, is it too hard for him to talk to me about his relationship with me for whatever reason, .... .... .... I don't know. He did tell me on the phone one night, while he was away, that he'd drive me down to Jersey for a weekend, so I could visit my mothers grave mainly. I have been thinking of her so much more often, and dreaming of her as well. I think this is going to be the time when it really hits me that my mother is dead and I never get the chance to say everything that I wanted to say to her and show to her and make her know and feel. I know that I'll be okay with Chimera there, but I know he won't be able to hold me together the way Chaos will/can (possibilities suck). I dunno, we'll see how everything plays out between now and the next time I write.
