Floodgate Doors

So now I'm sitting here, at Wise One's parent's house, him on the couch opposite me, laundry swishing around in the washer machine, my hunger unfulfilled and (now) dissipating. I have no clue what kind of mood I'm in at all. I know that a part of me is frustrated, about what exactly, I'm unsure. I feel change coming, and knowing that has left this blanket of unsettlement draped over my skin. I don't like it. I want to shuck it off, but don't know how, or if I really want to. The change's that I feel, are just peeking around the corner and excite me, as well. I want them. More than that; I need them. Maybe the change is Chaos finally living in our home. And shortly after, I'll have the comfort of Chimera there also.

The one thing I do want to change, is my employment situation. Correction; unemployment situation. I'm going insane. Day after day after day after day.... Wise One thinks that I enjoy this, the time off to sit and do nothing. If after 5 and a half fucking years he doesn't realize that he's dead wrong, and that I feel like shooting myself in the eye at the end of each day just to say I accomplished something, then he never will. Idiot! Yes I hope you read this.... Continuing....

Last night Chaos, Chimera, and I went to see our friend play at a nice restaurant in Glastonbury. Once we were there, we realized we didn't think of what we'd be doing once we got there. For a short period of time we sat, near the fireplace, with our thumbs up our asses. Eventually Chaos and Chimera decided to have a cocktail. I wanted to disappear, again. They are constantly good to me, and will buy a drink for me as well if they can. I hoped that they wouldn't again, and they didn't, much to my relief. I started thinking of how I couldn't even buy my own drink, or dinner for that matter. I began dwelling on it inside my head. I made it unbearable for myself for a moment, and I felt the tears being to build up. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried in the stall. I'm not going to lie, a part of me hoped that one of them would've realized, and followed me into the bathroom. I needed to cry to somebody, I haven't cried for the sake of crying and letting my emotions out in a while. I feel it building, even now as I'm sitting across from Wise One, knowing he wouldn't notice the difference between allergy sniffles and on the verge of a breakdown sniffling. I just want to cry, so badly, and not because of a movie, and most of all, not alone. Or maybe I do want to cry alone, so I can really just yell and sob and punch things and let lots of snot drip down my chin, and not care about anything else. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just whining. I have to go back to doing laundry. ugh

"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."