I'm beginning to feel the veil of whatever-the-fuck lift off of me and my world.... but I don't know if it is really happening or I'm just hoping for it so much, that I'm just imagining it. Either way, it's a relief in it's own way. Ehh.... Anyway....
Chaos and Pygmalion just left for work.... They're just so fucking cute together, it makes me smile just seeing them. Chimera is at work still as well, but will be leaving soon. Wise One's at work until 6. I hope that VERY soon I can say, "I'm at work til (fill in blank)." Being able to contribute toward anything would make me much happier.
I've been noticing that I've been feeling much more exhausted earlier at night than I usually have in the past. Maybe my mind and body know that the prospects on the horizon require me to be more rested in the morning. I'm truly fed up with insomnia, and hearing Wise One bitch that I don't go to bed with him at night. I would love to go to bed with him at night at an appropriate time; I love the feeling of somebody right there next to me, hearing their breathing, touching in some way, even if it's just like a toe on the others foot (ugh feet). That combination makes me think sleep, but everything about that combo, TV, early fuckin west end birds, the slant of our apartment, unfamiliarity with our apartment, late night hunger, and ALL of the thoughts I have ravaging my mind mass together to make slipping into a restful sleep impossible. I want to try to appease Wise One, but having never been an insomniac, he just doesn't understand why I have such a difficult time with it. I could do what I used to do, which was go to bed with him, wait until he was out, get out of bed, go rub one out, play video games, read, smoke, maybe rub another one out, and then make my way back to bed. He never knew my skedaddling (actually a word in the dictionary lol) out of bed then. I think another part of it is that since Chaos now has Pygmalion, she doesn't have the time/ability at night to be with Chimera if he needed her. (that's not to say that she wouldn't drop everything to be there with him if he needed it, that's a 'duh') I know that he isn't settled in here. I worry about him. Especially late at night. Being an insomniac, I know of ALL the things you think and ponder on, sometimes dwell, and the craziness that can envelope your mind when you're alone at night. Until he's more settled, the idea of him being on his own at night worries me.
Hmmmm.... What else?
I have to make time to see Eris. She wants me to go back to Putnam with her and stay for just one night. We miss each other. In high school, we had the same friends, but we weren't very close until that high school friend drama popularity latching on started to occur in our circle of friends. After that, she became my passenger seat partner. We knew that we were best friends, but of course for drama purposes, we made it seem as if we just hung out and our other friends were our best friends. I didn't realize that we did that until just now btw.... looking back on all of our actions. We laughed about everything. We planned on doing this that and the other thing together. We became inseparable for a period of time. Eris is one of the VERY few ppl who knows most of the truths and thoughts of my mind. I really can't hide anything from her. She sees it on me, not always on my face though.... she can see it in my movements, tone of my voice, the way I breathe.... and I get that "what's with you?" face. .... .... .... .... I need to go see her while my Chaos is away at band camp, but I worry about Chimera, and don't want Wise One to bitch. But I need to vent all of this muck in my head out to her, Chaos and Chimera have heard it all before, and I know they don't need to hear it again. Ugh.... We'll see.
I miss Chaos and Chimera right now. I hate the feeling of the the tether that holds us together being stretched so thin. It makes me think of/feel like that piece of thread that you see sticking out the hem of your shirt, you know the one you decide to pull, and just like that, it begins to make the hem unravel. I feel like I unravel a bit each time, and it's such an unnerving feeling. It makes me itch. I'm so very glad that I have this kind of bond though. I require these ppl in my life. The only thing that gets to me is Wise One's jealousy. He's only recently expressed this to me, but I've know for months. It does make me feel bad, because I know that in some ways he has good reason to be jealous, but on the other hand, if he were to put the effort forward to bond with us, he wouldn't have to feel that way, to the extent that he does. (Yeah, you noticed that.... 'extent that he does' I know that either way, there would still be a splash of jealousy) I need to work on that in some way; any suggestions ppl?
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping....
Giving You Someone To Talk To
The name game
She asked for rainbows.
Never got them; we made them.
My shoulder, Eris.
He's new to our world.
He's carved out a perfect nook.
He's Pygmalion.
Was I the only one to fall?
Tell me.... why am i so in my head lately. Chaos and Chimera, and Wise One, have no fathomable thought (if that's even a correct statement) on the going ons and inner workings of me at this point and time.... I know that soon Chaos and i might have a little sit down time just so i can pour out.... I know i could do the same with Chimera, but he and i, Chaos too, know that wouldn't be what's best for me.... Maybe I can try talking with Eris, my high school best friend.... Chaos knows me now, Eris knew me then, and still. I know that my current issues, well some, are just some of the old stagnant one's that i have already dealt with, but have forgotten how to re-conquer. Honestly.... i'm fed up with battles within myself.... i've had too much self discovery and analysis in this short blip of my life.... i know who i am in and out.... i know what an awful and cruel person i am, and what a generous and loving person i am, and the tendencies and neuroses, habits and pet peeves.... but i also know and acknowledge all of the changes that have occurred to and with in myself, and all the new one's on their way.... AND the ones happening right now. I know my Chaos and Chimera will read this eventually, and all that I want from them at the end of me writing this, and them reading it, is a hug; just one of those hugs that tells you, "I'm right here, i always will be; it will all turn out right, it always does; you will be happy, real happy." I know you both have that hug.
Long time since 3:33
It's been a while since i 3:33ed lol.... A lot has been going on, in many different ways. I haven't had time to introduce Pygmalion.... i'll get to it. Chaos has never been happier, and that makes me happy. Chimera is Chimera. Chaos and I keep yelling at him to go see his doctor.... he hasn't yet. Devoid of words at times.... I think too much, and sometimes not enough at all. I really need to get out of my head, but i dunno.... mmmmm bone crack.... Anyway, i'm off....
Patience Is For Stupid People
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, and it feels like any normal day. The same things are going on that would normally. But. In the back of your head, there's that little dude screaming his head off, which you only hear as the faintest whisper. He's tellin ya something is just wrong, that it's not right, it's not the same, turn away from it all, and head the other way. But the familiarity is there.... you 'know' this, it's typical, it's your 'routine.' How do you escape it? How do you change it, or fix it, or whatever, without disrupting everything else? Is it possible? Or does the idea just get stuck in the limbo that is the recesses of your mind? Or do you risk pulling out the wrong Jenga block only to watch your loss come crashing down around you?
For me, I begin to wonder if it is just any normal day, or is this day different from all of the rest.... I know I want the difference, disturbance, effect, whatever you wanna call it. Am I ready for what I want, or am I trying to push against a force that is so much more than me. I know I have the power to make things change, but why do I always have to be the one, or a part of the group of persons who, start the change, trend, beat, path.... I see people who have the ability/opportunity to have changes happen all around them, and they don't have to lift a finger. I don't want to be that person, god no, I just want the same opportunity. Alas.... it's on it's way, I know, but patience is not a virtue in this case.... Patience is for stupid people.
